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embersoffreedom's Journal

23 December
External Services:
  • embersoffreedom@livejournal.com
I never know what to put in the boxes that ask me to tell a little (or in this case a lot) about myself. I never know where to start; I never know to tell the story of my life or be very vague. Telling the entire story of my life would be more interesting though. I have a really fucked up life. I guess that's why this site interests me. I can say whatever I want; I can complain however much I want, I can vent, I can write a poem.. it's my own personal journal. The only difference between this and a real journal is that I'm broadcasting my journal to the world. And I'm okay with that. Maybe my life story will inspire someone who reads it. That's my goal in life; to change and inspire at least one person. I just want to help one person from becoming mentally addicted to pot, or becoming an alcoholic like me. Maybe if I can save one girl from getting her heart ripped to pieces like I did over and over again, my life would be complete. If just one person can relate and be inspired by the hardships I had to face in my disfunctional family, I'd have done everything I ever wanted to accomplish. But if no one reads this, that's okay, this is just me venting and letting my emotions out and helping me quit smoking. I smoke cigars. No, I don't just puff them like you're supposed to, I smoke them like they're ciggerettes so I get the little nicotine fix. I usually repress my emotions down, I found that cigars are a good help with that. However, they actually aren't, they really make it worse for me, because everything's still real at the end of the cigar. And after being drunk and the hangover hits and then I'm sober again, everything is real. Pot would really fuck me up. When I smoke pot sometimes, I feel like I'm gonna die, it freaks me out. I hate being out of control like that, so why the fuck do I keep doing it? Who knows. When I'm high and my high friends leave me, that's when the pain starts, the silence absolutely kills me; My ears start pounding with pain, my brain feels like its getting mushed by a hand going in the same motion, it's so freaking uncomfortable. When I'm high and my friends don't leave me, I'm fine. It's just when I'm high alone, I feel like I'm on a completely different planet than all the sober people around me. Then all I want is to be sober again. I ended up telling a lot about myself in this box, I'll just call this the intro to my journal so that no one is left completely confused when they read my journal entres.