Here's another thing..
Yesterday was the first time I went out in a week and Rick was an asshole to me, Haileigh betrayed me, and I didn't have fun. They knew I hadn't gone out in a week. Fuck all of you. I need some new friends. I don't even know what the fuck to do anymore. Before I do anything I need to pull the daggers out from my back from everyone.

There Are A Lot of Times That I Just Really Hate Everyone
So there's this guy, Rick, making jokes about what happened about me. He tells me not to talk to him about it at all yet he constantly makes jokes about it and mentions it. He also shit talked about me to Willy and fucked that up for me. Rick is 37, my best friend is 19 and Rick has a huge crush on her. He's showering her with attention and gifts. However, she doesn't like him. But she's leading him on. And she's taking his side in all of this. I really need some new friends.

And you know what? I really really did want Willy and I to work out. He was the only legitament good guy who has ever been interested in me. So fuck Rick for fucking everything up for me. Rick was the one who set me up with Jimmy, the man who raped me. I'm so fucking done with everyone. I can't wait to go to college and meet some actual good people. I need to leave this town and go find some new people. I know the phrase "they're just different faces with different names" but maybe I can avoid the people like Rick and Jimmy so I can meet someone like Willy and not have anyone fuck it up. It sucks because Willy was really really cute and sweet and had his life in order. That's just what I've been searching for and now it's fucked up.

I tried to explain to Rick today that I don't deal with things, I shut down and ignore the problem and move on like nothing happened which is why I was able to jump to Willy after Jimmy did what he did. And besides, I wasn't gonna plan on going after Willy but Rick forced us upon each other. Thanks for fucking setting me up like that. God, I really fucking hate Rick. He's not even employed, his mom and dad are rich, he lives with his grandma, and all he does for money is occasionally sell drugs because he was born into money so he doesn't have to do shit.

Also, my mother told her boyfriend, everyone she works with, and her entire family who I barely talk to what happened to me. And I have to see my family at a wedding in about 15 hours. She had no right to tell anyone. This is something very personal that I didn't want many people to know about. The family she told barely talks to me. Now all of a sudden I'm getting texts from them saying that they love me and can't wait to see me. Now I know why. I don't want their pity, I don't want them to treat me any differently. And most of all I NEVER WANTED THEM TO KNOW. I NEVER TALK TO THEM. IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. IF I WANTED THEM TO KNOW I WOULD'VE TOLD THEM. MY MOM HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT ESPECIALLY SINCE I NEVER EVER FUCKING TALK TO THEM. I am so fucking pissed right now it's not even funny.

So, basically, it's been a really shitty day. Oh and I woke up from a nightmare and was too scared to move for about two hours this morning. So it had a crappy beginning and a really shitty ending.

Fuck my life, when am I gonna catch a break?

Everyone I Knew Was Waiting On A Cue To Turn And Run When All I Needed Was The Truth
I really fucking hate everyone. I don't know how much more I can take. Nothing is working out. Maybe it's me. I don't fucking know. But the way I'm looking at it is I did NOTHING wrong. We talked for 4 days, flirting, being friendly, getting to know eachother. So I add you on facebook. So then you decide to block me without even accepting me. OH HOW FUCKING COOL OF YOU. So our mutual friend is lying through his teeth about why you blocked me. He claims you "don't like facebook, he doesn't allow anyone to post on his wall, he only uses it to talk to family". REALLY! So why the fuck do you have almost 300 friends, I doubt you have that many relatives. And there are posts from other people on your wall. So what the fuck? I didn't even do anything. I thought I finally found a good guy then you go and pull shit like that. Are you fucking serious?

Maybe I'm overreacting about that, but that just really pisses me off. If you have a problem, come to me about it.

I also pressed charges against that man who raped me. They took him into custody on Sunday morning. His court date is tomorrow for him to be released. But this isn't the end. I'm terrified that he's gonna come after. My safety is not promised by anyone. And the more I think about it, I don't have anyone I can trust. Everyone lies, everyone bull shits me, everyone uses me, and everyone is going to hurt me no matter what. So who the fuck am I gonna turn to if this guy starts coming after me? Everyone is bull shitting me right now. Everyone who I thought was there for me turned and ran for the hills when I needed them the most. I am literally going to freak out.

Maybe I should put myself in the loony bin that way I don't have to deal with anyone and that guy can't come after me when he gets out tomorrow.

I'm literally having a mental break down. I can only handle so much. I am SCREAMING out for help even though it seems like no one can hear me; That's one thing I'll never give up on. Someone's gotta be out there to help me.

So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
Something really bad happened on Wednesday..

That awesome guy I met named Jimmy? Yeah, he wasn't so awesome. He forcefully took my virginity away from he. He forced himself into me. I never meant for any of that to happen. I keep thinking that maybe it was my fault. But I kept telling him to stop and tried to push him off of me. Nothing worked, he just kept doing it. Worst part? He didn't use a condom at all. I was fine with kissing him and doing other things with him but I made it clear I didn't want to have sex. He obviously wasn't too recpectful off that.

My inner thighs STILL hurt. My body ACHES. I've cried more in the past few days than I have in a month (that's saying a lot because I cry a lot anyways). I didn't know how to tell anyone. I told my cousin Tori and her boyfriend. They said I should tell my mom. I bawled my eyes and my mom walked in to ask why and I didn't have the heart to tell her. Then my best friend Haileigh came over along with Rick who is like an uncle to me and I asked them advice. Rick and his boys are planning to beat the hell out of him tomorrow night.

I finally told my mom. I bawled my eyes out her. I didn't want her to be disappointed or to think it was my fault that it had happened. It broke my heart to tell her. She was understanding though.

Then I told the most important person in my life, Connie. She's more than a mother to me than my own mother has ever been. She hugged me and held me and told me I needed to let it out. I cried my eyes out but it felt so good to tell her and to know that she is ALWAYS there for me no matter what. So her and I are going to the doctors tomorrow to check for STDS, evidence and a pregnancy test. I'm really really scared but I'm so glad she's going to come with me.

The day after all this happened I met another guy named Willy. Willy has 3 jobs, goes to college, has a truck, and is a really really sweet guy. And he's single. He's a lot better than any other guy I've ever met. Honestly this time. I think I finally found myself a good guy. I feel no sexual pressure at all. So far it's going great. He texted me this afternoon just to say hi before he went to work. I thought that was really sweet.

I met Willy through Rick. Rick, Haileigh, Tori and I went to Rick's friends farm. Rick's friend is Willy's uncle. Willy came to the farm and into the wooded area to go dirt biking with his uncle. When I saw him I asked Rick who the hot guy is. Rick told Scott (Willy's uncle) and Scott yelled to him "HEY THIS GIRL OVER HERE THINKS YOU'RE CUTE!" And then he introduced us. Then they went for a lap dirt biking. Then Scott asked "Are you a brave girl?" and I said "Yeah" and he got me a helmet to get on the back of Willy's bike and ride with him. Willy put my helmet on for me (because I'm an idiot) and we rode together and I was like "What the hell am I supposed to hold on to" and he laughed and said "me". SO I got to hold on to him while I rode the bike. Omg he has such an amazing body and he's so friggin hot. AND he's a complete and totally sweetheart.

After I got off the bike I gave him my number and then we started texting when my friends and I left. We hit it off. He's a wicked sweetheart. Sometimes you find someone in a hopeless place. So I'll keep you guys updated on Willy :)

So by reading this to the end, you probably now understand why the subject is what it is.

I just want to cuddle.
Sometimes I just like to cuddle with no complications.
A lot of times I just want to hang out with a guy with no confusion.
Most of the time I just want to feel wanted.
All of the time I just want a guy to not be ashamed of having me as his girl.

Somedays I really hate myself.
Half of the days out of the week I'm sad.
Almost all week I'm depressed.
All of the time, I'm really angry.

I really hate my life a lot. I just want to be happy but it seems like I can't be. I'm just waiting for a good guy but every single guy I find just screws me over. I'm really sick and tired of the bull. What is really wrong with me? I wish every day at 11: 11 that I'll be happy. Obviously 11: 11 isn't real or else I would be happy.

I'm just waiting on a huge change in my life.

Finding Happiness in the Smallest of Things
Today I'm incredibly sick. But that's okay. Jimmy called me today, he's really sweet. And he's making a real effort to get to know me better. I can see things happening with this. I was supposed to see him today but again, I got hit with some sort of hideious illness. I've only had one cigarette today. Maybe that's because I'm sick.

My dad and I are working on our relationship, I'm gonna sleep at his house for the weekend. I'm really hungry but I don't feel like eating. Or moving. My entire body is aching. I have the hot and cold sweats. My stomach is acting up. And my nose is running, just one nostril though I can't breath through. It really screws with my OCD when that happens. It's really hard to keep my eyes open and stay awake.

What else can I say?

As the title says, I'm finding my happiness is the smallest of things. I'm leaving for my dads in about 45 minutes so I'm just trying to make time go by faster by writing in the journal.

I really like Demi Lovato's new song "Skyscraper", it reminds me a lot of myself sometimes. And my good friend Tori who has been through a LOT her whole life. I love her to itty bity pieces, she's one of my best friends.

After I'm done with this pack of cigarettes I think I'm gonna quit. I can't afford to keep getting them unfortunately. I got bills to pay. I'm gonna try quitting cold turkey. I wonder how that will go.

I really like livejournal, I can write all of my feelings down and what's going on and no one judges me and everyone's really nice about it.

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper

I feel like I have a lot of energy right now to write. I'm also bored out of my mind.

So two of my best friends who have been on and off dating for a few months are getting really annoyed by every little thing the other does. They also do NOT trust eachother at all. The spark is kind of fading out and she ruined a good relationship to get back with him.

I just think people can be so dang stupid sometimes.

I'm hoping this Jimmy kid will finally be what I'm looking for. He sounds promising. ONE PROBLEM: he has a girlfriend. But it's an unhappy relationship. Idk, that's the only bad thing. We can't tell anyone in our crew we were hanging out with when I met him that we're getting to know eachother. That kind of seems sketchy but I can kind of understand it where he has a girlfriend and the crew we were with is full of drama queens. But I just don't wanna end up as the other girl. It's either me or her when it comes down to it. Jussayin'.

He's like my perfect guy, he rides horses, he loves farms, he's a kind of redneck. It's my dream guy minus the fact that he's in a relationship at the moment.

Also a plus: he has a REALLY attractive voice.

I'm just hoping I don't get hurt. But for right now I'm pretty content.

The difference between Jimmy and every other guy is that he has a CAR, he can DRIVE, he has a JOB, and he's actually making the effort. It's almost effortless for me. It was never like that before. Every other guy either didn't have his licence or didn't have a car or a job. For once I actually wanna get treated. And he's like me where as he doesn't really like going to the movies, he can just hang out at home. He's the kind of person you can have fun in a rock fight with. That's my kind of guy. He also loves farms. I also love farms. he rides horses. He loves animals. That's HOT.

This is my longest journal entry ever, I've been writing for a half hour. I'm kind of hungry. I don't know what I want. I'm gonna take a break from writing to go check my fridge. BRB!

I decided on a bottle of FUZE because I need to keep myself hydrated and my dad's grilling chicken for dinner. Yummy :)

My dad's actually a REALLY good cook.

I don't think anyone is gonna read this but whatever. I had fun with it and I'm gonna keep having fun with it.

I have to work tomorrow wicked sick and I'm getting my period tomorrow :( this is really gonna suck.

Alright I'm finally done writing. My hands hurt.. that's what she said. LAWL.


Music is my drug..was.
Music was my drug, my alcohol, my cigarettes. Now I replaced music with all of those. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I'll check myself into the bin? Sounds legit. My friend just gave my a great piece of advice when I asked her how I can back track.. she told me I can't back track; I can only move forward and change my path. But even so I don't know how to do that either.

I think I'm gonna get either the patches or the gum. I really hope that stuff works.

Sometimes I feel like crying
Everyone cries. But not every day like I do. Sometimes there's just too much stress. I need to quit cigarettes. I used to be so against everything that I'm doing now; the alcohol, the weed, the cigars, the cigarettes. What happened to that girl? Where is the old me?

Don't get me wrong, I love who I am now but there are some things I just really need to fix. I need to stop with the weed and the cigarettes most of all. It's so hard to quit. I always bugged my parents about smoking and now I finally understand why they couldn't; It wasn't because they were weak, it's HARD to quit once you're addicted. I should've known better.

I just really feel like crying right now. I'm screaming out for help on this one. If I keep spending money on alcohol and cigarettes I'm going to put myself into debt. I CAN'T do that. I'm only 17.

I don't need any of this. This is all just materialized. I never thought I'd be one to just completely and totally fuck my life up. I was doing SO well before the weed and the alcohol and the cigarettes. I just can't keep living like this.

If I keep fucking up like this and spending money that is supposed to go towards bills, I'm gonna end up with no car and no job anymore. I never knew it was this hard to not keep fucking up. I don't understand how I ended up like this. I never made stupid decisions like this before, so what happened to that girl I used to be who was intelligent and amazing? I want that back. I don't wanna be this girl falling for peer pressure and making stupid decisions.

But how do I get myself back? I'm growing up way too fast and I'm living and learning too fast. I pushed myself too much to grow up (well, my parents did too). I feel so crappy all the time. I don't know how to help myself.


Writer's Block: Desert island
the heroin diaries, the last harry potter book (even though it might sound stupid lol) and runner.

so funny story...
So I started smoking cigarettes instead of cigars. Better idea, I can just bum them off of people. Anyways, I met this guy I'm really attracted to. There are a few things my dream guys has:

1. Blonde hair
2. Cute puppy dog eyes
3. A farm
4. Ability to ride horses

^^^HE HAS ALL OF THOSE!!!!!!!!

omg imagine that. A SEXY FARMER. I win :) I didn't even have to move to Kansas to find one!

I met him last night at the bar with some friends. My friend brought me to the bar with some people from her work and her friend Rick as soon as I walked in the door told his buddy "Hey she looks like the kind of girl who'd be attracted to Jimmy, call him and get him down here" so he came down and I took one look and told Rick I was VERY attracted to him and Rick added me on facebook and told Jimmy how to find me. So Jimmy added me on facebook and liked one of my statuses about pasta.

ANYWAYS, I don't know if I should message him or not because TECHNICALLY he initiated. Or I could just like his status that says "This feels like a no pants kind of day", because I really do like that lol.

My friend who just turned 19 is dating this 38 year old control freak. She doesn't see how he's a control freak but I see it, it's so obviuos. I don't want her to be involved with him, it really hurts seeing her with him. But she said she wants to backtrack with him and only be friends with him so I'm really happy about that. He smokes all day everyday and that scares me. A lot. We got high last night. Then my friend and I went to my apartment and drank and watched Saw II then went to bed, then she had to go to work.

I'm dual enrolling in a college today while I finish up getting my high school diploma. I'm pretty excited!

Overall things are going pretty well, I can't complain. Somehow I sort of knew things would work out somehow.

Hope anyone reading my journal sees how far my happiness has come and is happy because of it. Because I'm in the mood that I just want everyone to be happy.


Log in