Here We Go Again
I've held all of my emotions in for 4 long months. The most tortuous and useless months of my life with a boyfriend. How could one person hurt another so much and not care? To push me around, tell me you have crushes on other girls, hit on all these girls in front of me, make me come to your beckoning call just to get there and you're out on a date with another girl. It's fucking great that you can't tell me the truth to my face.

You broke up with me and gave me a bull shit reason why. Then you tell me you want a relationship where you and your girlfriend don't talk, see each other, text or call for days and days on end. The fuck kind of a relationship is that? They call that the booty call, sir. For 2 months you were great. You were only that good to me so you could treat me like shit in the end.

What was it? You needed a change of scenery? Can't stay with one girl for too long? Got bored?

I love that when I told you I have cancer you shrug it off and say "oh well". That was a beautiful moment in which I just wanted to fucking die.

You know, I thought at the beginning I couldn't find a guy who will cuddle with me the way you did, but you know what? Fuck you. I can. And they'll treat me better. And they'll hold me with feeling. They won't put me down. I don't care how long it takes to find this guy, I'll find him.

I'm so glad I'm not sad and lonely anymore. I'm glad I'm past that stage. I'm glad I'm moving on to being angry.

No I Don't Wanna Let Go, I Just Wanna Let You Know that I Never Wanna Let Go
Bobby is talking to me again! I was trying for weeks to find someone to replace him but he's talking to me again. I couldn't be any happier. I have my reason to wake up back. I have a reason to smile again... or do I?

I don't know if he's good for me. I'm not sure what to do right now. I have feelings for him, of course. But I don't know if I can get them back or feel the same about him. I'm really confused.

I love how we can have deep conversations and he checks up on me to make sure I'm okay. I feel protected. But he hurt me. And I hurt him. It was a huge misunderstanding.. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

I Don't Think I've Ever Been So Happy
First of all, I am so so so so so happy. I've never been this happy before. Just when I thought I'd never fall for anyone ever again, there you were. Right when every door closed, I just happened to open the right door and I found you. I feel so lucky to have you. I can't believe this. You're the remedy I was looking for.

You're my cure,
My savior,
My all.

This is so amazing. How did I come across someone as amazing and great as you.
Don't be offended, but I know you're not perfect, I see that, but I still want you.
I don't know what this feeling is.
This is just absolutely crazy that I'm all ready to travel a thousand miles to see you.
And you're willing to pay a thousand dollars for me to come see you.

This feels like a working relationship, I've never had this before. It's a give and take. I've always given everything and got nothing in return. But now you're giving and I get to take and give back. This is just perfect, everything I could have ever imagined.

I feel cared for. I feel like someone is there for me to catch me and to hold me.
Who would've known it would be you?

I honetsly thought I would never be happy.

All my life, I've taken care of everyone else, not even my own parents took care of me.
I took care of my own mother.
Now I feel taken care of and cared for for the first time in my life.
This is really the most amazing feeling ever.

I know this sounds weird but this could be it.
You could be the person I spend the rest of my life with.

I Finally Told Him How I Felt
I facebook messaged Steve and told him how I felt and told him I wasn't expecting a response. But I just told him how I felt. Holy shit. I think I'm losing my mind. We barely knew each other. But you know what? Telling him wouldn't hurt anything. He's all the way on the other side of the state. So it's fine. And I can breathe. At least I let him know. And if he answers so be it. If he doesn't, I'm totally okay with that and that will probably make me feel a worlds better.

Maybe telling him will let me get on with my life and forget about him and stop comparing everyone I meet to him.
Maybe I'll feel better.
Maybe I'll stop looking for guys who look and act like you.
Maybe I can finally get over you.
Maybe everything will actually be okay.
Maybe I'm okay.
Maybe you never had feelings for me.
Maybe you did.
Either way, I'm gonna be okay.
I know I will be.

And Three Years Later, I'm Still in Love with You
Dear Steve,

I know I haven't talked to you in a few years, but I found that I really need to tell you something. I fell for you in freshman year. I fell hard. I don't know what it was about you, but you kept me in your grasp for the years to come.

Your sister and I got into a fight and stopped talking. She was the only reason I really knew you. Nevertheless, I had a dream about you last night. And I woke up this morning realizing I still have feelings for you.

I really don't know what else to say. Boy, I am so in love with you. Your eyes, your face, your voice, who you are, everything. That's why I fell for you. I know you have a girlfriend but I just have to tell you this. Three years later and I'm still not over you. But oh how I have tried. I jumped from boy to boy after you. But none of them were you.

It's too bad I will never have the guts to tell you all of this though. Because I love you more than your girlfriend every could.

A Secret Admirer

The Scars Prove That I am Still Alive
I've been doing... okay recently.. I guess. I have a therapy appointment on Friday... thankfully. Also, things are going great with Bobby :) it's been more than two weeks and he totally accepts me. There's not sexual pressure AT. ALL. It's truly amazing. It got me thinking... you know? This could be it.. this could be my perfect match. I feel soooo comfortable with him. It's crazy. And it's like, he's been through so much, different things that I've been through, so we (somehow) understand each other better than anyone else.

I still haven't written the Victim Aftermath Sumary. I just can't do it. It hurts too much. I don't knoww how I'm ever gonna get it in to them before the 16th of this month. It's already the third... maybe I'll bring it in to my therapist on Friday and she can help me.

Anyways... that's about it :)

It's Been A While
I haven't written in this for a while. Mostly because, well, I'm doing a lot better. I have my bad days and my good days. But when this all started my mother told me, "You're gonna have your bad days, but you'll have your good days too. There will be certain smells and things that make you feel like you're back in that moment and it's happening all over again. But you need to remember that it's not real." And you know what? She was right. I do have my bad days, certain things do make me feel like it's happening all over again, but it isn't real. She also told me I need to continue living. And I am. Everything is going to be okay. She was raped 19 years ago, and she had that mans baby.. but you know what? She's doing so well, I'm so proud of her, and the best thing is.. she has so much love for her daughter, it's the most amazing thing.

I hadn't gotten my period in a while so I took a pregnancy test last night. The results came back negative and today I finally got my period. I have never been so happy to get my period. I am really really happy.

Willy, the guy I met, decided he didn't wanna be with me because I'm a victim of rape. I am no victim. I am a survivor. And I met this guy Bobby, and I told him what happened, he knows it was recent, and he still wants to be with me. He's not freaked out by it. It's just a really good feeling that he's not judging me for it and he accepts what happened and doesn't blame me and doesn't dispose of me because of it. It is a really good feeling. He stays up til 3 am just to talk to me, he texts me just because, and overall he's just a really really sweet guy. And there's no sexual pressure. I love that. There was no sexual pressure even before he knew what happened.

I am also really glad for the friends I have. When I took my pregnancy test I was freaking out so I texted my friend Heather and asked her to come over for when I took the test. She booked it over.

My friend Haileigh has always been amazing no matter what I'm going through. I can tell her anything. She will always be here for me. Recently she's been especially amazing. I know she's on my side looking out for me. I can text her over and over again everytime I have a mental breakdown about the same situation and she doesn't get mad at me for still having breakdowns over it. She gets it and she helps me with every break down.

Nichole, she is by far my best friend, I can tell her anything too. Whenever there's a problem I can just sleep over her house and she'll pull me through. She keeps me grounded and realistic. She keeps me from going overboard. I love her to death and I am so honored to be there for her and to have her in my life.

My life right now is going good considering what's happened in my past. I can finally go out and be happy. I can finally sleep at night. I can fianlly forget.

However, I have a court date and I have to face him on the 16th and I have to write a victim summary before. I can't bring myself to do it yet because it makes me feel uncomfortable. When I'm ready, I'll do it.

This Is Exactly What Runs Through My Mind
I try to close my legs as tightly as possible to feel better, because everytime I blink for a second, that second I close my eyes, I get a flashback of what he did.. how he touched me. I don't want to feel like that. That is the worst feeling in the world. I don't know how I am ever going to survive this. His touch runs through my mind all day, I can't help but feel completely vunerable and uncomfortable. I. JUST. WANT. TO. FEEL. BETTER.

I will never be able to get close to a man ever again, nor do I want to. I just want to lock myself in my room and sleep all day. I want nothing to do with the world.

I just want to end my life sometimes. I really do. Because of the nightmares going through my mind all day and all night. I just wanna run away from it all.

We Live In A Society Where...
Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused.
-Freda Adler

I just found this quote and it honestly describes exactly what I'm going through. The people I thought were going to be there for me are blaming me for all of this. And it is so true. We live in a society where the victims get their voice taken away and get blamed.

This is exactly how I am feeling right now.

Things Never Change
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

I wish I believed in this quote. I really do. It is a beautiful quote.. but you know... I'm on the side of truth and love... and all I do is lose. I never win. The people on the side of the tyrants and murderers seem to win. That's always how it's been for me. I'm starting to think that's how it will always be.


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